SPEAKER_00 0:34

Welcome to the Better Two Podcast. I'm your host, Donna. Today's guest is V Torres. V has a new record out called Woman, and we spend the time on the podcast talking about that. Uh, the lead single, which is Woman, and well, a lot of different things, including Grief and her song Winter Solstice. So tune in. Hi, Veronica. How are you doing today? Hi, Donna. I'm doing well. Thanks for having me. You're welcome. And I notice, I mean, you are you're obviously a true musician because look what's behind you. We have guitars, we have guitar cameras.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Yes, I actually I just moved and I used to have them hanging on the wall, so I miss that. But I have I have plaster walls here, so I can't hang them up because I'm scared they're gonna fall. But I miss it because it felt like a big hug when you had all the guitars on the wall.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Oh, I'm sure. I'm I'm sure. I mean, and it also gives it a nice aesthetic, you know? Definitely, yes. But yeah, there's certain walls. I mean, even the place I live in, I don't want to hang anything on the walls because I'm not sure if it's gonna actually stay. Yeah. So you have a new single that just came out, and we're you have a record coming out as well. But the single is called Woman. What precipitated you writing that? What made you decide that this is my anthem?

SPEAKER_01 1:51

Um, I wrote the song several years back, actually, and I was playing it out live for a while before it was recorded, and I knew that the song was special. Um, and it kind of took a form of its own at like live shows where I'd perform it, and um, I'd have people come up to me afterwards, like, you wrote that song for me. And it was obviously a lot of women. And I I knew I needed to record it. I did not know at first that that would be the title track of the record. Um, but as the record was like shaping up, it really was tied together by this song that I felt like this song was kind of at the apex of the record, just uh talking about, you know, being a woman and what women go through and working on yourself constantly to, you know, try to be the best version of yourself you can be, but knowing that that just keeps on going and it doesn't end. Um so I I wrote it and we recorded it, and um, I just felt like it was a really, really strong song. Um, and it should be the title track and and the record kind of formed around it a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

So isn't it always amazing when things just kind of fall into place like that? It's like you don't have necessarily the concept, but then it all generically melds into one where you need it to go.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Yeah, it's it's really interesting. And and you don't plan it, and it just kind of happens. And um, you know, this whole process of making this record, I did not know that it was gonna be a record, but everything kind of started falling into that uh narrative and it just happened and it wasn't pushed, it wasn't forced, and I honestly had to like let go of my expectations of what it was gonna be because I planned on doing you know a few singles and and it just kind of kept growing and taking longer. And I just said, you know, I surrendered to this process at this point, and I was in a part a point of my life where I could do that, and it ended up being um, you know, it's beautiful when you actually get to the other side and you're like, okay, all those things that happened, you know, they definitely happened for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Yeah. Uh as a writer, it's the same thing for me. It's like it has to flow. And if it doesn't flow, you know, you know it doesn't, and you kind of pull back and you kind of navigate and retool, you know, and you're talking about the the fact that you're always trying to improve yourself as a woman. And we're constantly being sold and told what we need to do and how to do it and how to age, and you better do this if you're aging, and at a certain point you're gonna be put out to pasture. Yeah. And it's I I think it's important that we kind of because it's now it's not only women they're going after to do this, it's the men too. And when it's becoming detrimental, we have to stop and look and go, hey, you know, is it okay? Is it all right? Um I had a, you know, I'm I'm almost 60. And I I had this big fear of losing my hair because I had it was thinning because of a thyroid issue, which that's another thing we don't address. And I know what has this got to do? It kind of ties in. So we deal with these issues that were placed in front of us that you have to look a certain way, you have to be a certain way. So but your health will start coming into play as you get age, and nobody talks about that. That aging, when your health starts to change, you can't fight it. Your hormonal, your hormones, your thyroid, whatever it is, can start affecting you. And so last year, because my biggest fear, like I said, was going bald. I had thin hair up top, so I had cancer, I went through chemo, and I had to make the decision whether I was gonna go bald or I was gonna hide it, and I shaved my head. Wow. And the thing is, yes, I wear a wig now, but my hair did come back, and it came back thick, except for where it was thin before. And so now I'm wrestling, I'm I'm grappling with this whole fact, it's like I can pull off going bald, and so do I want to do that in my normal life because I know hair is a big thing, we all know this.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

Yeah, I mean that's I'm I'm sorry you went through that and you're going through that. And I I think, yeah, it's you know, where do we lie in that place of ego and what we care about, what other people think, and then just like who you are, and it's it's so hard to cut out all the noise and and just be like, you know, yeah, I'm okay with this thing, and and then you do it and it's like nothing, no one cares, you know, it's like it's really beautiful, but it's it's such it's so hard, it's a huge part of your identity. And like you said, when when illness comes or you know, hormonal changes, things that you can't control, and you know, it happens for everyone, but women go through a lot of things, and and sometimes like maybe there's like not a reason we can pinpoint, you know, like I can't tell you I have this disease or this thing, but I feel like shit, and um it's really hard for me right now, and it's it's like you almost have to prove yourself or something or explain, overexplain, or and it's just so ridiculous, you know, and it's like why can't we just be? And no, I don't feel good today, and I don't have to tell you why or explain myself, but it's hard, you know, because I think we're all raised a certain way, and we're as women, I do think we take on a role a little bit of taking care of people and and just naturally have a lot of that, you know, and and some men have that too, obviously. But as women, I think there's this instinctual part of that in our lives, and a lot of times, you know, even I don't have kids, um, but you know, a lot of women do. And it and in the song, I kind of touch on that because it's like your whole life, you're you're taking care of these little people that turn into adults, and then at some point they leave you and you're on your own. And what does that look like at that point? You know, that must be such a hard feeling. And um, yeah, I just think there's so much to this that we don't that people don't talk about, you know, and um I think people are starting to to talk about it more though, which I think is really interesting and and great. And you see like a lot of podcasts where we're talking about women's health, we're talking about menopause, we're talking about peri, we're talking about diseases and and things that people just had no idea, you know, were going on. So I do like that I'm seeing more of that out there now.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Well, and that's the thing. I think women have been dismissed so much when it comes to their health care, when it comes to their identity, when it comes to their role. I mean, going back to the hair thing real quick, it's like how many times are, especially when I grew up, you were presented with the girl with the long, luxurious, luxurious, beautiful, flowing hair. I never had that. But then you don't equate that. But then when you think about it, here, and this is of course my generation, we gave you a Barbie. What does Barbie look like? She's cute, blonde, and she's perfectly proportioned. You're never gonna look like a Barbie. And before you used to have the the whole of, well, we airbrushed the photo. Now we can just create a model, and she's never gonna look the same. And I mean, I saw a gentleman recently, he was a male model, and he posed for pictures and everything for a professional campaign. When he went to the store, his image was lightened because he was an African-American male, his image was lightened, he his face was contoured differently, he looked nothing like him. Wow. Because it was morphed in AI. So when you're looking at those things and going back to the caregiver role, as women, when we're taught as girls to play with dolls, we're taught to play with baby dolls, we're taught to nurture. Boys aren't. Yeah. And they make it seem wrong if boys learn how to cook and everything else. However, um, my husband, one of my best friend's husband, or my late husband, he loved cook. And so why do we take those things and put them into norms? Why do we have to to do that? Why can't, you know, why can't we just be a single woman if you you don't want to have children, you don't, or you can't have children? Why can't we just accept that? Yeah. I know.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

It's go ahead. Yeah, I yeah, no, I think I agree. And and you know, I think it is changing a little bit. I think, you know, it was hard for my parents when I told them, you know, I'm I'm probably not gonna have kids and I'm divorced. Um, and I I never wanted kids to be honest with you. Um, I think because I grew up feeling like I was running around taking care of people, and I just felt like I knew it's my time now, and I want to focus on my music and and create and be an artist. And, you know, when I when I got married, we were on the same page and then it changed. And and he was like, you know, I really I do want kids and I want to, I don't want to be an old dad. And I'm like, you know, but that's not really what I want. And that was a hard moment, you know, that was part of our our split, wasn't the whole reason. But, you know, for my parents, just that, especially my mom, it was hard for her to accept that, you know, like, are you sure you're not gonna have kids? Like, that's what life's all about. And I'm like, I get that, and I'm so happy for people who want that. And it's, you know, I I have a different lifestyle and a different um joy that I'm getting out of making song babies and things. And, you know, my sister has three girls, and it's so amazing to be an aunt and spend time with them and see, you know, little people that look like me too. And I get all of that, but it doesn't have to be like that's the end all be all. And that's the reason why we're all on this planet. And it's it's I think people are talking about it more now. And and this, I'm I'm gonna be 42. So my generation of late, I guess I'm an ear, a late millennial, or maybe it's a different generation. You know, we grew up, we graduated college when there was a financial crisis and and things were different, and you know, we're not buying homes. It's it's a different world that we live in. Um, and I think it's becoming a little bit more understandable now, but it's you know, I feel like I lived in that path of, you know, here's what you're supposed to do, here's the boxes you're supposed to check, this is what you're supposed to get done, you know. Well, and that's that's go ahead. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

Go ahead and I was just gonna say that's the scary thing about now, is because we we haven't we have allowed women to have this other life. And now we have people that are, and I'm gonna say it as it is, making a corporate traditional wife. Because these people that are traditional wives, if they're making videos and everything, are they really traditional wives?

SPEAKER_01 12:38

Yeah, right. Are are they doing the traditional wife things at home, you know? Yeah, probably not. It's it's very interesting.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

It's it's marking and it's fine. And I mean, I will I will say this. When I became when I married my first husband, even before we married, when we were living together, he had two kids. I and for us financially, for what we're gonna pay for daycare, it behooved me just to stay home and take care of them. So I got to be a stay-at-home mom, and it was fun being a stay-at-home mom. But I also felt like at a certain point, my life was stagnating. And it wasn't so much about the kids, it was just me in general. You and and what you said is very true because at a certain point the kids leave. And then then what? And I there's a whole story there, but we're not gonna go there. But I because I left before they they were eight and ten when I left, and they were four and six when they came into my life. But the fact of the matter is I knew eventually they wouldn't be in my life.

unknown 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

And so why is it my responsibility as their as their stepmom to be this person when their own parents weren't those people? Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah. So I mean, I think I think we can pull back the trad if if we don't sub succumb to the traditional family that is being sold to us, because that's exactly what it is, we will survive and and women will attain more rights. But it's like right now, it's like everything is being clawed back. And I and I am the generation, our anthem or my mother's anthem that kind of bled into it came out when I was a kid was I Am Woman by Helen Reddy. You know, that was that's that was the song. Everybody was like, I am woman. And to see us go backwards, and people say, Well, I want my husband to vote, it kind of is painful because it's like, when did you decide to demean yourself? Yeah. And I don't mean I mean no disrespect to anybody that is a stay-home, stay-at-home mom, but know yourself, know your body autonomy, know yourself and take care of yourself.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

So yeah, I think taking care of yourself is it's hard to sometimes, you know, because it's very distracting to um not look at it and not look at all this stuff. And I've, you know, I spent time not looking at it, and it just builds up, and it's hard to really peel back layers and and uncover things. And I think some people may never do that, and some people do it a little bit. It just depends on your journey, but I do think when you do that work, it does help you understand so much more about yourself, which in turn makes you just have better relationships with everyone, but starts with you. And the song's kind of about that too, is just like you're never gonna get to that like place of, you know, oh, everything's gonna be perfect, everything's gonna be the the thing I wanted it to be, right? You know, that's never gonna happen. And accepting that and knowing that you're gonna have to continue to work and and not stop that process is kind of the song. It's like my work never ends, it just starts over and over again because it's true. And it's hard to sometimes accept that. You're like, I just want to break or I just want to like be okay for a little bit. But I think accepting that thing where it's like it's never gonna be that picture perfect, and I'm not even saying picture perfect, but the expectation you have is it may never happen. And accepting that I think is is important, but it's hard, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

Well, I mean, you're you're sold as a as a kid, you're sold this idea of these are the ideals you're supposed to hit. Especially as a woman. And you know, your generation, you had before the crisis, you had hope. You had the ideals of, oh, I'm supposed to buy a house, I'm supposed to do this, I'm supposed and that's been yanked away. Yeah. And there comes a point where it's like, yes, you are just over everything and you're just worn down, but you have to continue to have hope because if you don't have hope, even if it's just to to make another song, to see the joy on somebody's face when they hear that song, or them coming up and saying, You wrote the song for me. There's a reward in that in itself. And that I would hope gives you hope and motivation to continue.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

Yeah, I I feel like it's like the little bit of magic of life. And, you know, I'm I I'm I was raised Catholic. I'm not practicing Catholic at all anymore, but I'm I am very spiritual and I love um, you know, thinking about that stuff. And and for me, it's like if you don't believe in that magic or you don't believe in that hope, whatever you want to call it, like then it just makes everything just so depressing. And you're sitting in this place that just continues to be sad and like worse, and you're negative and you're drawing negative energy towards you. And I think you have to believe in that. Like that's why we're here, you know? Like this is all like a big video game, and there's a lot of magic if you let it happen, right?

SPEAKER_00 17:52

Yes, and we're always trying to you think that I I've said that so many times about it being a video game because it's like, okay, things are going well. I I've defeated everything. Oh, here's the big boss. I gotta fight the big boss again. Yeah, oh, here we are again. Okay, defeated him. Yay! Oh, we're back on it.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Level five, warp level, or whatever it was in Nintendo. Yeah. And it's like it's so funny because you know, it's it, it's it's I think you change in your mentality of it sometimes because of whatever's happening. And and I try to stay positive in that space and and you know, but it it, you know, things can shake you up and take you in and out of it. But it's like if you don't believe in that, like we all have that little magic, but if you don't believe it, then I don't know, life's gotta be more boring for you. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Well, I mean, like going through the battle, it's so I I don't know where you stand politically. I'm not gonna go there, but it's like we we have the shit show going on, and last year I'm diagnosed with cancer and I have to have uh uh hysterectomy, which is TMI, I'm sure. But but here's the thing it was fine. That was like a cakewalk. But anyway, I told my friend, I said, Well, if I'm not supposed to be here, I've had I have an exit on the the operating table. I already know that. So if I'm not supposed to be here, you know, she's like, you're gonna be fine. I'm like, yeah, I know, but I I have that exit because really we do. And then I would be like I was thinking, so why am I battling cancer when the world's going to hell?

unknown 19:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

But the fact of the matter is you have to keep going to see what you're gonna do. You have to keep going because you don't know. And that's the thing I think when people commit suicide because they are troubled, they don't realize how it is a ripple effect. Even you being, you know, us having this conversation, somebody could tune in and it could hit them in a different way to make them see something. So it's like you have to look at the bigger picture and just go, okay, maybe, maybe life's crap right now, but I have to keep going. Because tomorrow, well, it might be a better day, even if it's for five minutes.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

Yeah. That's I mean, I again I'm so sorry. That's a really hard situation that you're you've been through. And I guess for you, how did you if I can ask you, like what were the for you, what was it that helped you see like, okay, I need to keep going? Like was there a thing or was it just that bigger picture thing?

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Writing. Writing and doing the writing and doing the podcast because um I really couldn't do anything else. I couldn't really go anywhere because you're immunocompromised. And I got to a point where I was seriously immunocompromised. And so I would come in here and leave just one light on and I would write. And Ray, who um is uh in charge of Ray B public uh PR, he and I had a good relationship, and I told him, I said, I I said, have faith in me that I can do this. So I was doing the podcast bald and everything, and uh finally it got to a point when I got when my immune system was so bad that I just I had to cancel one show and take a break for a month. And he understood because he's had he's been friends with people that had cancer. So he understood completely. But those are the things that kept me going. It wasn't so much that I was gonna get notoriety or anything like that, it was the fact that I had the connection, the communication, and the words when I would sit down and write, they were just coming.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

That's what he said.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

So it's those things that you have to find, and just as a musician, it's like what motivates you? Well, if I get up and I know I gotta, you know, maybe today sucks, but if I get up and my my song or my book for me or this podcast touch one person, then that's what matters. And and I don't really get a lot of feedback from people about the podcast. They listen, but I don't hear anything. But I did this one episode during that time, and this girl was just like, This is such a great interview. I've never really you've delved into a lot of things most people didn't. And that makes it rewarding because When I do this for you guys, it's like I want people to know the real you. I don't want let's just go. How many other people are you gonna go talk to that's gonna talk about your music?

unknown 22:09

Great.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

Where we can get to know a little bit about your story, your s your songs, and what created it, but also about you as a person. Yeah. No, I really think that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

And I I listened to the interview you did with Tracy Bonham. Um, and I thought that was really special and I was a great insight to her and and her career, and just even having a career later as a musician, too. And I really resonate with that because when you're like you said, writing or you know, creating, there's a spark, there's this energy inside of you that you know is connected to more than yourself, and and that does feel really fulfilling. And so, yeah, that's so cool that that that's helped you get through some hard times.

SPEAKER_00 22:51

What was interesting is I talked I've talked to Trace, I've had the fortune, the fortunate ability to talk to her twice. Once I talked to her, I didn't have cancer. I I we talked about her cancer journey and everything. And then when she came back on, I had had it. And so it was a different interview. Um, and it was like as soon as we logged in, she immediately was like, Are you, you know, how are you doing? Are you okay? So it's like that's the other thing about doing this. When people come back on the show, there's a rapport, we've we've talked before. And I keep an eye on the people that come on the show because I want to see you guys' career succeed. But she has gone through the gamut, and yeah, you that's the thing, you can decide to give up or you can decide to keep going. And talking to a lot of musicians that are older that even had their heyday, and they're still trying to continue on and how it's not as easy is an interesting thing because we think, oh, you had a you had a hit record, everything's good. Not in all cases.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

Yeah. Yeah, it's so crazy too. Like, you know, everyone's like, well, it's so it must be so much easier for you now because you can put your music on all the platforms and use your platform to talk to everyone. And I'm like, Yeah, you're putting it on a shelf with like a ton of other things that are not really being pinpointed to anybody. And, you know, that's not why we do it. We do it because we love it and we want to continue to share our art. But yeah, it's a completely different world than it was when you know we'd go to Tower Records and we'd see a shelf that had like 10 new albums on it. And okay, I'll buy these two and we'll go listen to them and digest that music. So for me to making this a record, I I didn't know that that was going to happen. And I really loved that it did because I put out a record in 2017 and then I put out a lot of singles, and you know, the world really changed a lot during that time between then and now. And I was like, you know, I really want to go back to like a longer source thing that someone can or can't listen to, whatever they want to do. But I want to put that out because these things feel very connected and they were strung together in this, in this way that really felt like they needed to be a record. And so it's been really neat to go back to that. And and, you know, people ask, like, well, do you think people even listen to records anymore? And I think they do. I think there's been a resurgence and vinyl, and and people just needing to stop the noise that's going on all the time. Um, and I think it's special when you can dig into something like that. And like you said, you're writing a book. Like I recently started reading more again, and I'm like, this is just the coolest thing. And it's hard because you're always so busy and there's always something else to do. But when you get to put a record on or open a book and just like sit there and and you the peace that enters your body is just like insane.

SPEAKER_00 25:44

You're taking on an adventure. And and the thing about this, and yes, there is a resurgence in vinyl and everything. And I've had the discussion because yes, generative AI has become really a beast, not only for my industry, but your industry as well. I mean, even the podcast industry, we can have a generative AI. I I don't want that. I want human connection. That's why people do this. Um, but there's the whole push of gen AI. We have generative AI music. We have the, and it's like, when is the one thing that is missing out of all that is the human connection. It's the passion, it's the emotion. Sure, you can rip off something and make it sound halfway decent, and and you can. I've there's a whole story about somebody writing an AI book that hired me to do editing, and then I realized it was AI, and I was that that went south, and I said no. Um, but the the fact of the matter is I had no experience. I never used Chat GPT or any of the other ones. And so she presents me with this book, and I'm just like, this doesn't make sense. There's no emotion. And then she left a prompt, and then somebody emails me and says, Hey, you realize she's doing this. And if you continue to work with her, we're gonna out her and we'll blame you too. I don't use that, I write my stuff from scratch, it's part of my passion. Why would I turn that up? I mean, that's the thing, you're an artist too. Why would you turn over your passion? Because you want to say you're a musician, you want to say you're an author? You're not, you're a prompter.

SPEAKER_01 27:17

Yeah. So it's wild. Yeah. It's you know, there's a lot of for a while. I was doing like a lot of writing for TV and film and and shows and stuff. And, you know, you're you're given a prompt and you write about it and you create it from scratch, but now AI is like taking that world over as well. And it's just like, I don't know. It's it's gotta, there's gotta be a market at some point where people are like, I want to go back to Whole Foods, organic farmers market, music and and books and things. And you know, there's there's just gotta, I think when things like this happen, like they implode. And eventually that will happen, but you know, we're in the thick of it right now.

SPEAKER_00 27:56

Well, that's the thing. People the the artists I've talked to about this, some don't, some it doesn't matter, some it does. But the one thing that all of them have said that can't be taken away is live music. You can't, you can't take that away. And the fact is it's not only vinyl that's coming back, people are buying cassettes again. Yeah, that's cool. So I love that. So I mean, you can't you can't say that AI is going to keep ruling. Eventually, people, I mean, there's already a backlash with the data centers, there's already a backlash with people saying, I'm not using AI, I refuse to use AI. So I think eventually, as long as we can vet the music that we're listening to, then it's okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:41

Yeah. And live music, you know, for me and growing up, the moment I first saw my ever live concert, it just does something to you, you know, and and being able to see that, it doesn't matter if you like that kind of music or not, it's just such a magical thing. That's like one of those magical things. And you're right, that can't be that can't be AI'd.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

So no, and the thing is, even during a live show, if somebody hits a bum note, you are so wrapped up in the show that you're not gonna care.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

No, and a lot of times, if it happens, you know, the musician will like do it again or something that you're like, oh, that's part of the song. It's just it's cool what people do. And I mean, I've done that too, but yeah, it's really neat to and it's neat to see the imperfection too and hear the cracks in people's voices and and the human element to it. I love I love that, you know. I love all kinds of music, but like for me, it's like a songwriter that has like a very unique voice that may not be the best voice in the world to me is like way more intriguing. That's you know, I love like Regina Specter, um, and she's got an amazing voice, but she uses her voice as an instrument, like she'll be there with just her vocals and she'll create a song just with nothing else. And it's super, super cool to see that.

SPEAKER_00 30:04

What made you decide to, you know, at what age did you decide I'm gonna pick up a guitar, I'm gonna sing? What made you decide to to pursue music?

SPEAKER_01 30:15

So I um grew up, sorry, I'm at the end of a cold, so my voice is a little iffy, but I uh actually grew up an athlete. I played, I was a serious basketball player, and um that was my life from like the age of maybe seven till I was graduating high school. Um we were high school state champions two years in a row. I was slated to go to college and play basketball and continue the journey, and I was very burnt out. And there was a lot of you know politics even at that level in the in the game where I'm like, you know, do I want to keep doing this? Is this what I want for like the next part of my you know collegiate life? Or and I had uh, you know, I'd been really into music ever since I was a kid. My parents, they're not musicians, but they're music lovers. So they would have records playing. My mom was really into music, and every in the car, we'd you know, have the cassettes playing of you know all the grunge rock that was on K rock at the time. And um, when I was 11, I was like, I want a guitar and I want guitar lessons. So they gave me, they bought me like a really cheap little guitar. I'm left-handed, um, and my sister is too, but I play guitar right-handed. My poor sister can't play it right-handed, but she had a right-handed guitar, so she had the shaker. And we'd go to our guitar lessons, and you know, my mom saw that I was pretty serious about it. So I got like the better guitar when I was like 11, and I was really into it. And so I would play, take my lessons, but I didn't really start writing until my basketball career really ended. And I, you know, when you're involved in sports, uh, it takes up, you know, 90% of your day. And I was like, what am I gonna do now? Now that I'm not doing this thing that I've always done, and you know, uh working really hard on this other thing, what the heck am I gonna do with my time? And um, I ended up going to Loyal LaMarrymount for college, and they had an open mic that was really cool open mic at the time. Um, it was like on a Monday night, and like the whole school really went and sat there and listened to people play. And so I started playing again and was really inspired by that open mic, and I just I write, I started writing like crazy and just kind of put all my energy into that and fell in love with it again. And um, yeah, it just took off from there and never really stopped.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

Do you ever look back and wonder what if about the basketball thing?

SPEAKER_01 32:44

Sometimes, yeah. I I felt like I went through a big grieving process of that. Um, especially now. Um, I don't know if you follow sports at all, but you know, the WMBA is like has it had a huge resurgence and is is getting way more popular, which I think is amazing. And actually, one of my high school teammates, um, she played in the WMBA and she was a coach too. And so when I would go to the games and stuff, I I felt like dang, maybe I could have this could have been part of my journey, and I do miss it. And there's like this podcast that I just met this, these people who have this podcast called No Former Athlete. And they're like, we'd love to have you on it, because there is this weird thing that you go through as an athlete at, you know, whatever level you're doing it. I know I wasn't, I didn't do college, but you do kind of feel like a part of you is dead, you know, and there's like this huge chunk missing. And so sometimes I do think about that. Um, but again, at the time, like WMBA players were making no money, it wasn't a big thing. And I'm like, you know, what am I gonna do? Like, how am I gonna make money? You know, I had a lot of pressure about, you know, that part of my life. And so, you know, I go to college and start as a theater major and then turn into like an accounting major at the by the end of it, because you know, I gotta get a job and you know, and so forth. But uh I do miss that part and I have felt grief about that part of my life because it it is such a cool world, you know, uh being an athlete and and working together in a team. Um, I was the point guard, so it's like the person who's creating all the plays, and I really love I love working together with people like on a common goal. I just I just I really light up with that, and I think that's why I like playing in bands too. Um so I do miss that and I do think about it sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

But I this is a normal thing because I think when we, whether it be uh a sports career, anytime we have an occupation that has become our identity, we do go through a grieving process because you become associated with that so much. I mean, I was a claims insurance supervisor, so I used to handle claims and I did it for 10 years. And when I stopped, it was just it was my identity. Who am I now? Yeah and that's the thing. I think we're taught that our outside what we do, whether it be a musician, writer, whatever, that's who we are. But that's only part of who we are. But we put so much emphasis on that, and especially when it's something that we spend hours a day doing. Stepping back, it's kind of like, okay, so now what? Like you said, you got to figure it out. And it's not always easy to.

SPEAKER_01 35:24

Yeah. It's so interesting. And I've, you know, with music, I've grappled with that because there's been points in my life where I kind of like was like, I'm just gonna hang this up for a while and take a break. But it it can't like, it's a different thing because it's not like what I do, it's just a part of me. And you know, I don't define the success the same way that I used to with music. And so I think it's interesting to just go through those iterations in your life and and and understand it. And even with you, when you were, you know, stay-at-home mom with your stepchildren, you probably had a bunch of that happen after when you stopped doing that. Like there's a lot of we you do these things. And I I mean, not to bring that up. No, no, it's it's true. Yeah, it's like, who are we? You know, even if you have like a parent pass away or something, like I was a daughter, I was this, you know, it's there's so many, there's so much, many layers to things like that. And it's it's hard to to see. Like, I I'm so lucky. I have grandparents still, and they're old, um, 94 and and 89, and my dad, it's his parents, and he's going through that right now, where he's, you know, they don't live in the same state, so he's kind of going over to take care of them. And it's just it's just so sad to see him going through this part of losing, you know, almost his parents and all the emotions that come with it that bring up all the other things that have never been, you know, talked about. And I just see it through him and I feel it too. And it's like there's just so much to life where you're just like it's it's hard, you know, you look at that stuff, but um, it's also beautiful and and it does bring up the other parts of you. And like you said, we are not what we do, and all these things that come in and out of our lives and happen to us all happen, I do think, for a reason. And it's just interesting to see how we how we react to it.

SPEAKER_00 37:16

Well, and that's some I've talked about that on here before because it's like all the experiences, even though, yeah, cancer's cancer sucks and everything, whatever. But all those experiences have made me who I am, and it makes me able to have a conversation with somebody about different things because I have gone through that experience. I have had that walk. And you're talking about your father taking care of your grandparents. That is it's it's a heavy thing. And the problem is older generations, especially when it comes to men, are taught stuff your feelings. You're supposed to man up, you're not supposed to have any emotion. And it's like, but there's a process for grief. When my dad, I watched, I flew down to New Orleans because my dad lost our my grandfather. He lost his dad, and I was supposed to stay there for three days. And all my cousins were staying at my grandma's house. My after the funeral, my dad says, You're getting on a plane tomorrow and leaving. Because he did not want to, and his girlfriend at the time told me later, she's like, that's because he didn't want to see you up. He he didn't want you to see him upset. Yeah, that's so hard. Yeah, I mean, just be and he's a fireman, so you know, there's the the bravado of a retired fireman, but there's the bravado there of I can't be weak. But you have to be. Yeah, it's okay to be.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

Yeah, it's it's I I see that with my dad too. Like he I try to talk to him about it, but it's he's not gonna talk about it. And he actually lost uh it's my step his stepdad, actually, because he lost his father when he was three years old. So there's so much to this layer of stuff, and you know, it's just it's hard to see your your parent not show those emotions, you know, and and he does from time to time, but you know, it's hard to to just you know it's all in there and it's all happening, and yeah, it's hard when they don't want you to see it either, like you said.

SPEAKER_00 39:13

Right. I mean, it it's the whole mantra of I'm supposed to be strong. Well, there's a certain point when you're not. And that's that when my dad lost his wife, his uh my stepmom, when he lost her, she died in his arms. Which which which there's multiple layers here because he's a fireman. He got the key to the city of New Orleans because he saved somebody, and here he is, he can't do anything for her. So, yes, he starts drinking and everything, but I'm gonna be honest with you, because he was drinking, he was the most honest I have ever heard him in my life. Wow, yeah, but there's no filter exactly. The truth serum has made it work, and he is just venting and pouring his heart out.

unknown 40:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:01

So while I hated that he went through all that, for a brief moment, I got to talk to him as a real. Yeah. Wow. That's huge. But you don't you don't really think about those things. You don't, you know. Yeah. And and I think the other thing, because we've had our our relationship that's very distance most of the time, and he doesn't live anywhere near me. But after I got diagnosed with cancer, he texts me every day now because he can't hear anymore. But he texts me every day and makes sure everything's okay. Granted, the conversations change now that I'm in remission, but for a while, I mean, every day. Are you okay? Everything's okay. Wow. So, I mean, like you said, things happen for reasons. And you watching your dad, and this is this is important because you watching your dad go through this, you know what also you're gonna have to eventually go through. Which isn't easy.

SPEAKER_01 40:53

No, and and I think they my parents have been their eyes have been opened in this process of like we need to get our stuff together and and make this, you know, so it's not this burden on you when this happens. And it's it's just not fun to think about that, obviously, but you do, and it's just it's life and it's the cycle of life, but it's not it's just sad, you know? And I've gone through a lot of loss. Like when I was making this record, actually, I started it in 2021, and it's coming out, it's 2026, it's been five years. Um, two of my close friends passed away that were also tied into the record, and it just was a weird time because I I had lost people in my life. I, you know, but not and I'll say not just two, three actually, because my aunt, my mom's sister passed away too during that time. So it was like this during this time, people the first time in my life, the people I was like really close to passed away. And I'm I'm fortunate that I hadn't gone through that, I guess, prior, but it really did um bring up a lot. And, you know, I had uh the reason I started the record with the person that I co-produced it with, my my friend Steve, is he was working on a record for our friend Kevin. And Kevin is a big musician and pillar of our community here in Hermo Speech. And I listen, I was like, this is so awesome that you're making a full length. And I was like listening to all of it and very inspired by it. And it really sparked me to do my record and work with Steve too, because we had been friends forever and we wanted to work on something, and he's coming off producing Kevin. I'm like, let's do this together. And you know, probably I think it was the first we had done pre-production and Kevin got cancer and he was only 52. Um, and we the first day we tracked for the record, we we had our friend Jaden playing drums, and everybody that was on this record in that room that day was connected to Kevin. He passed away that day. And we were like, do we not do this? Like, do we just stop? Like, you know, we're all hurting and feeling this and very close to this man. And we're like, you know, Kevin would want us to keep going, Kevin would want us to play. And and we just that's how it's the first day of recording started. And it was just such a trip, you know, to be going through this loss, and it was a big loss for everybody and the community. Kevin was a therapist as well. He was um MFT, and he was just this amazing human. And and for musicians, he was he was like a sober musician, so he was helping a lot of people with sobriety and just very there for the community and um, you know, very supportive. So you're you're like seeing this person who's been doing all this amazing work, and then they pass away at 52 from you know, melanoma. And it's like, how is this happening? And you know, we had I also had a friend Mike who he came into the studio every day and he was video. Recording BTS because he wanted to. He was a true fan of my music and such a sweet human being. He too was like early 50s. And you know, he was there every day filming this process of making the record. And he got sick as well and passed away, um, I think two years ago now. And it just was such a weird time of like, okay, and then my mom's sister, and I'm like, there's so much happening. I can't control anything. I have to just be. And and all of it really played into this weird defined timing of this whole process happening while these other things were happening, and while we had to stop, and while we paused, and and I just felt these things. And I don't know, it was kind of a trippy couple of years. And and now I feel like weird too, like releasing the music. I'm like, it feels it's just a weird feeling to think about all of that that had happened during this time, and now we're here. But you know, what is time? You know, it's it's just it's it's fascinating and it's really, you know, it's been heavy a couple of years to go through loss like that and and feel it versus what I think the prior version of me might not have felt it as much, you know. But I've been through a lot of therapy and a lot of work on myself to like allow myself to be in the space to feel and to pro and to grieve and to you know say no to things because I need to just cry or whatever. It's interesting to be in that space during it.

SPEAKER_00 45:34

I'm sorry for your loss. I know it's not easy.

SPEAKER_01 45:36

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 45:37

Thank you. And and being close to, I mean, whether they're friends, spouse, whatever, family, it's grief is is something. And I was talking to somebody last night about this. That grief is a very weird thing because all of a sudden, out of nowhere, it'll come back. Oh, good, we're having a thunderstorm. I just heard thunder. Yeah, I just heard thunder. I'm like, okay. That's amazing. Yeah. Um, but I mean, grief is one of those things where you can be fine. Yes, the anniversary may come up, the birthday, but it'll come out of nowhere. And because some people are like, well, you should just be able to move on. No. I lost my husband in 2020. And I I mean, it was not from COVID, it was from something else. But it's one of those things where it's like, there's still times where it'll come up. There's still times where those feelings will come up, and because they were part of your life. It's just like, and and we we give grace if you're talking about an ex-friend or whatever. But if you're talking about somebody that's passed on, well, you should be you should have moved on by now. Everything should be okay by now. No, that person is always going to be part of your life. And and for you, those people are gonna be part of this record process, the recording process, those songs, those those attachments are there, and it's nothing wrong with that. It's a celebration. And in a way, you continuing on with the process, even though all that loss happened, you are celebrating their lives. Yeah. While making a part of your life.

SPEAKER_01 47:18

Yeah, it's it's so true. And I Kevin's wife was, you know, he had a lot of amazing guitars, and she's like, if you want to use some of his guitars for your record, you know, you you're welcome to, which was so nice. And I did play some of his guitars on the record, um, and just things like that that you know, we have a studio that he was a part of that we still use, and there's definitely signs of him all the time. And um, you know, it's just I I saw something. I think Sarah Bariellis, I just saw the snippet of her talking about grief the other day, because um she has been through, I think, a lot in the recent history, but she said, you know, grief is a gift, and I hadn't really thought about it that way. Um, but I guess it is because it is something that doesn't go away. It is something that isn't linear, and it is something that time doesn't really matter, and you just get hit with it. And you know, it is there to show you you're you're human and there is this thing happening inside of you that you haven't really like looked at or thought about, you know. And I just thought it was fascinating what she said, because you know, it is true. It's like when I was going through my divorce, I'd have people, you know, say, like, well, you know what, that was like three years ago, aren't you like fine now? And they're like, Cool, yeah, no, that's not how it works. Like, this is not how this works. And, you know, I don't know, I don't know how people can comp compartmentalize some of that stuff and and just put it on the shelf and never look at it again because that's just not how I operate. I'm the person that's like, I need to like, I need to talk about this now.

SPEAKER_00 48:53

I I get where you're at with that because it's like, so yeah, I was their mom for those four years, most for the most part. And I realized that I was more in love with those kids than I was him. But that being said, that also being that mom and then going through that loss kind of formed me to it, it was hard for me to be around kids after that. As much as I love children, I it was hard for me to be around them. And so I I didn't I don't have any biological kids, but that was my choice. And the fact of the matter is when you go through something like that, it does form you. It does, you know, you see things that you remember that they like. You there's all these little emotions. And even though I knew they were still alive, there was still grief attached to that. Yeah, just like your marriage. You had the ideal of we we don't talk about the grief of all the plans that you had that you gave up. It's the same thing with the basketball thing. All the ideas that I thought were this is where it was gonna go, I need to grieve this now. And we don't talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 50:02

Yeah, it's it's so interesting, you know, and and it's like it's even funny. I was uh I was out the other night and my divorce attorney hit on me and my friends, did not recognize me, did not even, and I just started crying. And I was like, why am I even crying? Because I am like in a good place and past, but it just brought all that stuff up again, you know? And I just was like, this is so interesting how life can just be like, haha, like I st you know, I still got you over here, but it was it was fascinating, you know, because that for him too.

SPEAKER_00 50:41

Like, what is yeah, that was just well, you're into spirit, you're into spirituality. I gotta say this, you're into spirituality, and we I don't know where you're at with astrology, but we are in Mercury retrograde, and Mercury retrograde tends to bring back the past so we can re-examine it. So maybe there's just a little bit that you still haven't worked through with that.

SPEAKER_01 51:00

Yeah, I I I feel that for sure. And I love astrology, so yeah, I know we're in it.

SPEAKER_00 51:06

Oh, we are in the thick of it this month, but that's beside the point. We're not getting because by this time, by the time this airs, we'll be out of Mercury retrograde and everything. But um, yeah, I just it's weird how those things happen, you know. It's like, wait, I I'm done with this. Why is this making yeah, I totally understand. Totally.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

And I I actually have another single coming out in July on July 9th, um, called Winter Solstice. And the song actually I wrote for a friend of mine whose brother passed away, and and it was pretty tragic. And I just I wanted to be there for them and like console them and and like do these things, but I realized like I couldn't. And it was kind of about that moment when you just know you can't do anything, you know, and you're just I'm here, I'm here if you need me loving you from a distance. And it it is a heavy, it is about grief, and it's about like also that hope you were talking about, like winter solstice is the darkest day of the year, but it's also the day before the light starts to return. And I don't know, it's just kind of ties into that. So I wanted to bring it up.

SPEAKER_00 52:13

No, I am glad you brought it up. What is your favorite track on the record?

SPEAKER_01 52:17

Um, I think I really like the last song. It's called I Know Nothing, and it's very stripped-down song, um, kind of about getting older and knowing less. And just being, yeah, like accepting of that.

SPEAKER_00 52:34

Which is interesting because everybody's like, oh, well, the age comes wisdom. It does, but then you hit a certain point where you revert back into being a kid. That's right. Yeah. I know this because my grand my two grandmothers, after Katrina, came to live with my husband and I. And one was 76 and the other one was 89.

unknown 52:56

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 52:57

And they would tell on each other, and they would do things to each other. And it's like, you know, I would hear, do you know what your grandmother did? And I'm like, Are we five? What's going on here? But it was very much, and it made me realize that as we get older, we do revert back a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 53:15

And it's kind of cool because it's like you take off the things that were put on you a little bit, and you're like, I don't even, I thought I knew all these things, and I've been working on you know, knowing myself and knowing this, but it's like you kind of go back to just you, and that's it is, I think, you as a kid. I think that's kind of a big part of life. You just all this stuff clumps on, and then you're just like, All right, let's go back to who I was, you know.

SPEAKER_00 53:41

Which actually you you made me think of something because as a kid, we are very intuitive, we embrace the unknown, we see things, we we know, we have knowing. And when you think about it, as people age, and I mean, my grandmother at one point, she she was near death's door and she was seeing her mother. And I had never met my her mother died when she was a little kid, so I never met her. So she was talking to her, and when I look back now and think about it, it's like so because we strip all that other stuff down, does our intuition become even more honed?

SPEAKER_01 54:17

Right. Yeah, I mean, like you get so jaded and you get so influenced and there's so much noise, but like when you turn all that off and you go back, I I I think so. You know, I think we we have that intuition. We're born with that, you know, we that knowing for sure.

SPEAKER_00 54:35

Yeah, yeah. And if you trust it, it'll lead you to the right place. And even if it's not the right place you think it should be, there's a lesson there for you. Yeah. Back to the video game.

SPEAKER_01 54:47

Yeah, the obstacles that create the lessons.

SPEAKER_00 54:49

You're like, okay, yeah, just play some Zelda now. Um, so are you planning on taking this out on the road?

SPEAKER_01 55:01

Yeah, I want to. I'm playing some local shows here in LA. Um, but yeah, that's the plan. You know, I don't have a tour set up right now, but that is the goal to get this in front of more people and hopefully the right, you know, people who enjoy this music. And um, I'd love to play with a bigger artist that's similar to me because I feel like that's a good way to kind of get out there. So we're working on that. Um, but I have a couple local shows in LA uh in July and August, and we'll be announcing a record release show in September. So I'll let you know about that.

SPEAKER_00 55:36

Maybe you should reach out to Tracy. Granted, I know she's coming off a tour, I think, but that would be amazing.

SPEAKER_01 55:42

Yeah, I would that would be really cool. She's I'm a huge fan. And I started after I listened to her episode, I started listening to her new record and really was enjoying it.

unknown 55:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:51

Uh you should go back and listen to the first episode too. She was good because she talks about the ballet and everything else. Um dream gig. If you could play anywhere in the world, what would where would that be? And second question, if you could collaborate with anybody in the world, who would that be? Oh man.

SPEAKER_01 56:09

Hard questions. Um, I would love to play at Red Rocks. I went there last year for the first time, and it's just such a magical venue and an outdoor. I don't know if you've been there, it's in Colorado. Um, it's it's like within like these like Red Rocks, and it's like built into it's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 56:30

Oh, good play. If you if anybody wants to know that hasn't seen it, you two filmed a video there. I forget what song it is. Yeah, U2 has a song when they were in their early, early careers that they like filmed at that space. Okay, I'm gonna go look that up.

SPEAKER_01 56:44

Yeah, I I went last year to see um two shows there, and I I everyone had talked about it, but it when I was there, I was like, this is special. And and if you were a performer, like looking up at all of that and just being in that, I feel like it would be really cool. So that'd be a dream venue um and a dream collaboration. I I love Jenny Lewis so much. I don't know if you're you know her, but she's she's in a band called Rylo Kylie, and she's also like the singer-songwriter, does her own stuff. And I just I like look up to her so much as a songwriter, and I think she's hilarious. And I just that would be a really her or Beck, both of those people would be a dream collaboration. I love Beck's production style and his writing. Um, and I think he's produced some of her stuff too. So yeah, that'd be cool.

SPEAKER_00 57:32

Once the record comes out, what do you see as your next steps? Are you gonna continue making music or are you going to go try something else? I'm only asking because since we were talking about diversity, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:45

Um, you know, I I'm really enjoying this release part of it because I feel like I spent a long time working on the the writing and the producing part, but I have been writing other music. So I'm looking forward to kind of recording some of it. It's sounding a little different, it's feeling a little different, and it's just fun to explore that. So um I hope I'll be continuing to do that.

SPEAKER_00 58:11

Well, let's see, it's important to diverse, you know, to be diverse, diversity, yeah, diversify. That's not even the right word, diversity. But um, it's important to be diverse because the whole fact of the matter is as you change things up, you gain more audience.

SPEAKER_01 58:27

Yeah. Yeah. And I think as you keep if you're inspired to do it, then keep doing it. And if it doesn't feel like inspirational anymore and you don't feel like doing it, then take a break and be okay with that, you know. And it's hard to do that sometimes as an artist, I think. But for me, it's like it's fun when you're when you're in that like precipice of creating something and it's not even created yet, but you're like, you have that fun, like intuitive feeling that this could be really cool. That part for me is the funnest part, I think. To feel those exciting moments of like, what could this be? You know, like it's something, but I don't know what it is yet. I think for me that's my favorite part creating.

SPEAKER_00 59:12

Is there anything you'd like to add that we haven't discussed?

SPEAKER_01 59:17

Um man, I think we talked about a lot. A lot of things I didn't know we were gonna talk about, which I love. Um but yeah, just grateful for you sharing this and and sharing the song. And um for everybody who's listening, I appreciate it. Well, thanks for coming on. Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 59:35

Veronica seemed surprised that the conversation went where it didn't. And the thing is, I didn't expect it to go there either. I did not expect that we would be talking about grief. And I think there is a bigger picture of grief because we all assume that grief is about death. And it is. I mean, don't get me wrong, but grief is there when someone dies. But grief is a much bigger picture. Grief we have grief of law, you know, grief of grief of a divorce. Because all those plans, all those ideas, all those dreams that you had, they're gone. We have grief of being a parent. And that is that is very weird because when you think about it, I mean, for me, as I said on the show, uh I made the choice to leave when they were young. And do we ever discuss about, you know, we said, oh, empty nester, you know, when kids go off to college. But the fact of the matter is, is that really a right way to describe it, or is it the grief of that part of your life? You're not gonna be the mom, dad, you're not gonna be that all the time. Things have changed at that point. So we have to look at the bigger picture and go, okay, let's see where things fit. Then you have grief of a job, especially if that's been a long-term job. Or in her career, you know, her hopes to become a basketball player. Granted, she was burned out and she made the choice to walk away, but there's that grief. So we have to look at grief as not just this one thing that deals with death. Grief comes in many forms, shapes, and sizes. And we have to really look at that because it is an emotion that creates sadness and it can create joy. When and I'm not I know that sounds weird, but when we grieve certain things like the loss of a job or the loss of our identity as far as, you know, I was this claims adjuster, when you finally come to terms with that grief, and that's not something that necessarily is going to come back, but it might, when you come to terms with that grief of I no longer have that restriction, I no longer have what weighs me down, meaning the job, there is that rebirth of joy. That I don't have to be that identity, I don't have to limit myself. And that's when you have to say, okay, I release it. So I would definitely check out V's record. Um, I think she has a lot of talent, and I feel that you're gonna enjoy it. So definitely check it out. Her there's a video on for woman on YouTube, and I'll put a link in the show notes, and definitely, you know, definitely give it a shot. It's worth it. So on that note, I'd like to thank V for coming on the show. I'd like to thank FastSusie for the intro and outro music. And most importantly, I'd like to thank you for tuning in, and I really appreciate no matter when you're listening morning or noon or night. Um, I really do appreciate it. And I'll catch you next time, guys. Bye.